My Spiritual Conviction

In my college yearbook, I wrote “Live and Let God” as my motto. Eight years after, I still have the same conviction. My smile may have been crooked at the corners by the circumstances of events but it is not a reason to stop living. Life goes on and God will always be there no matter what.

I am now thirty years old. They say it is the new midlife. My hands and feet will easily get tired. My memory will not be as sharp as it was when I was still a student. But my skills and talent will always be innovative and creative.  I always believe in living life with intensity by always reaching out for something new.
         
I was also taught to pray and work by my alma mater. I always take a moment to close my eyes and talk in silence to that someone looking over us. It is not important to me who that someone is as long as you have strong faith.  I believe in the saying that faith is the evidence of things unseen. I trust Him, myself and other people. Together we can make a difference one step at a time.

Wrote this as part of requirement of Executive Director's Training for YMCA 

Letter to Dad

Dear Dad,

I wish that you are still alive today. I terribly miss you so much.

I will be turning thirty on June 8. Thirty is the new midlife.I am making a choice to take a chance so that my life will change for the best even for just a bit.

Dad, I have finally decided to find work in Manila and bring Mom with me. Oh how much I wanted to stay at home and live comfortably in home sweet Legazpi but the recent events that happened in our family and the circumstances that Mom and I aregreatly encourages me to make a bold move.

I have taken a back seat and just let everything fell into place. Maybe its now time for me to take the steering wheel again and go to places that I really like to go. Mom will always be in my passenger seat. Jr, Ting and their child may be in a different journey but will always do our best to be close to each other.

With you, Dad, watching over us, we will reach the right destination. No matter how long, no matter how far it is, and no matter how difficult it is , I will not stop because I want you to be proud of me and I will not do anything that will break your heart and most especially mom's heart.

I love you so much.

Jojo

Rabbit Hole

We all get stuck in a rabbit hole. Some can easily get out of it. Others find it difficult to get away from it. But no matter how different our rabbit holes are they are similar in one way or another. 

One thing for sure is that it is a wasteland. Red and blue pills will not help us in the same way it helped Alice in enjoying her adventures with talking animals, villainous queens and knights. We can always take medications, drink cocktails, binge on gourmet food or throw a mad tea party but it will always be unforgettable.

We cannot stuff a rabbit hole. It just gets smaller through time. As the lines from the movie "Rabbit Hole" says:

Becca: Did it ever go away?

Nat: No, I don’t think it does. Not for me, it hasn’t - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though. 

Becca: How? 

Nat: I don’t know… the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and… carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you… you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful - not all the time. It’s kinda… [deep breath] 

Nat: Not that you’d like it exactly, but it’s what you’ve got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh… it doesn’t go away. Which is… 

Becca: Which is what? 

Nat: Fine, actually. 

Remembering Leslie

Leslie would usually start her conversations with me at Citiphone by saying:

"Hi Josh! what time break mo? Sabay tayo kain."

"Hi Josh! switch tayo work schedule"

"Josh! pa-assist naman, oh"

"Josh! bank call, transfer"

My name at work was "Josh" and hers was "Amber". Both were favorite name of ours.  She named her daughter  "Amber".

I wonder how her daughter and husband are doing now.  I met Leslie's husband, Carlo once. While I was on my way to have dinner at Good Ah. Amber was standing outside Citibank building and when I passed by her she said "Josh, samahan mo naman muna ako. Wait ko husband ko pakilala kita." So, we waited and talked about so many things like how they were attempting to infanticipate and how they loved the movie "Shall we Dance?"

A few minutes later, Carlo arrived, opened the car door for Amber  and we got quickly introduced. We just waved, smiled and said "Hi" to each other. No time to make lengthy conversation because of the traffic and I was on over break already.

In 2007, I received an email from another colleague friend of mine via friendster which reads:

Hi Josh! Di ba friends kayo ni Leslie? Kasama siya sa Glorietta blast.

I can still remember up to now the sadness that I felt when I heard the news from my friend about Leslie. It felt even depressing when I read Carlos letter via Google search. He said: 

Good day everyone,

I wish I were writing under different circumstances.

I would like to inform you that my wife Leslie Cruz was part of the casualties in the Glorietta 2 Mall bombing in Makati City, Philippines. She was supposed to have a minor out patient surgery at Makati Medical Center at 230pm.

I had taken a leave from work to accompany her there. We dropped off our daughter, Amber, at my parents place in QC to babysit at around 10am. We then proceeded to Makati and was there at 1230pm. Since she had been fasting in preparation for her procedure, she wanted to move around and listen to some music while I grabbed a bite to eat. We parked at the basement of Park Square 2, and headed for the Glorietta 2 entrance. We parted at the top of the escalator, she turned right towards Filbar’s while I went left towards the restaurants. That was the last time I would see her.

Around 120pm, she had called me so that we can meet at the Glorietta 2 exit just in time to make her appointment. As I made my way there from Glorietta 1 through the connecting hallways, and was about to turn the corner, I heard 2 deep thumps and the shock-wave from the blast hit me. At that moment my heart dropped as I knew that the origin of the blast came from the same place where we were supposed to meet. I tried getting to where my wife was, but the dust was too much and it was as if I was staring at a white wall.

I still tried to convince myself that she was able to make it out, and that after ringing her mobile without a response only meant that she dropped it in the confusion. After 6 hours of searching from Makati Med. to Ospital ng Makati, the blast site, and back again to MMC – with the help of all the people I could get hold of, that I was able to get confirmation in what the state of my wife was.

My Dad and Uncle signaled me in from the ER of MMC. My Uncle (who’s a doctor) asked me to describe Leslie’s appearance to another group of doctors. I saw in the eyes of one that the description made sense. Instead of confirming it to me, they huddled together, then brought me to a small examination room. It was only through a digital camera that I was able to confirm (and deny) that she was indeed gone.

I have so many regrets. I should have met her sooner. I should have ran instead of a brisk walk. I should have not chose to park where I did. I should have braved the dust and went in the blast site. I should have …

Today’s the 4th day. It is still terribly difficult to breathe, let alone wake up realizing that your source of strength, your best friend doesn’t lie beside you on your bed. That my deepest worry is when Amber starts asking for her Mama.

I am glad that Amber’s too young to understand the loss and pain. In time I would like to tell her the details of how her mother died, but more importantly I would like to raise her as how her mother lived – a loving person, strong willed, decisive, caring, and nurturing. She has always cared for her family and friends, and sacrfied her career for being a full time mom and home maker.

As with all couples we had our ups and downs – none of which I regret not going through. The sweet is never as sweet without the sour. For almost 4 years of marriage, we’ve finally hit our balance in life only to be taken away in an instant. I have no regrets about our marriage. She has loved me and Amber beyond her capacity. I will always love her.

It is my first time to write to egroup as I’ve lurked and watched emails being sent to and fro. All I want now is that for each of the couples here is to cherish each moment that we spend with our loved ones. Pretty simple to say, very easy to take for granted.

Thank you all for the prayers. I would still like to ask you to please include Leslie in them until her 40th day so that the path to God’s kingdom is well lit and she is no longer in the dark.

Sincerely,

Carlo Cruz

On that day, I lighted a candle for Leslie and said a prayer. And I will continue lighting candles and praying for Leslie and for  all of us who feels that life is a big blast.

Remembering my Students of CCDI

It was nice to be with my first batch of students of CCDI- Legazpi. 

Its sad that it quickly ended when we were just having lots of fun but it was the right decision. 

Thank you for being a part of my 2010.

Easy to Forget, Difficult to Remember

I always misplace important and petty things at home. It takes me fifteen minutes or more to remember where i put my keys, wallet and mobile phone. Thank God I am not yet wearing any spectacles!

On the contrary, I never forget people. Its easy for me to forget things but difficult to forget people. Two days ago, I was talking to an old friend whom I have not seen since high school graduation. He was kind of worried that he will not be recognized if he attends the reunion. I told him not to worry because we will be putting name tags unlike the reunion last December.

I shared to him that one batchmate of ours almost walk out on us as he entered the dining hall  because we can hardly remember his name (except me, ofcourse). He came back after he was convinced to stay by another batchmate of ours.

After rounds of Jack Daniels, video singko singing, laughing and photo ops, we were reacquainted with another. He even became the life of the party which was very unlikely of him to be one as we have known him in high school.

Our conversation ended with a promise that on the next get together, he will give his presence and "presents" because according to him: "I'm sort of some kind na ngayon hehehe!!!"

2010 Year End Survey

What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
(De)mentoring my students.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Promises are made to be broken.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
My dog.

Did anyone close to you die?
My puppy.

What countries did you visit? 
Merlion. 

What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? 
Everything that i do not have.

What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The date i spent sleeping all day and night because I was very good at kissing in my dreams. 


What was your biggest achievement of the year? 
Stacks of unidentified piled objects.

St. Agnes' Academy GS 94 HS 98

As a saying goes: "Age appears to be best in some things. Old wood best to burn. Old books best to read. Old wine best to drink and Old friends best to keep.


Back then we were just seated next to each other in our respective classrooms. We also run along into corridors but now we have grown to be friends. And that is enough to keep St.  Agnes' Academy Grade School 1994 High School 1998 in my life.

Blind Ride

I was the first passenger in the jeepney that was parked outside the mall. As passengers were getting inside the vehicle, I was struck at this blind man joining us in our ride home. No one assisted him as he settled in his seat but he was able to sit comfortably. I do not know if he was completely blind. The only thing i noticed was his spotless eyes and his shirt that tells me he works as a reflexologist in the mall.

I was curious how we will find his way home. I thought that he will tell the guys seated beside him to give him a cue upon reaching the place he was going to but he did not. I reached my destination before he did.

I wonder now how it feels like to go on a blind journey. Does it feel the same if you can really see? This reminds of the lyrics of  the theme song from Mahogany: Do you know where you'r going to?

Loser Like Me

The holidays brought wistful thoughts. I am wondering what two oh one one will bring. I will do my best to pull the rabbit out of the hat.

I took a Facebook quiz entitled What will 2011 bring for you? The result that i got was Failure! I was laughing out loud! I am no stranger to deferred success and it seems I have been getting it for a lifetime already. It does not matter really because as they say, failure is one step closer to success.